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Blog: Blog2

Little Fish

I’m writing a very different type of blog today.

It’s not about mental health skills or concepts. It’s about me & my life.

Most people who have met me would say I’m a pretty confident person. And it’s true- I mostly am. I think I’m good at my job & I never doubt my passion for helping young people. I know people I have worked with have gotten a lot better.

I recognise there are areas I have particular skills in. I have a brain that works pretty well. I am a good thinker, planner & doer. I am organised & when I see a problem, I try to solve it.

But even I, a normally confident person with a decent self esteem, have times of self doubt. And this has come into my awareness again as I push myself way outside my knowledge base & comfort zone in recent times.

I made the decision to scale & grow my business after years of having a long waiting list & working on my own. I thought it would be hard, but I am not afraid of hard work so no worries I thought. It is actually proving to be way harder than I could predict.

For every problem I solve, & for every new piece of knowledge I accumulate, there are 20 more issues that arise. Every solution leads to more things to learn, consider & implement.

My work days are long. Like, really long. I still have a full diary of clients- more than full actually so I’m working times I usually wouldn’t just to fit people in. My next available appointment is months away.

I wake up early & I go to bed late. I get up in the middle of the night to write something if I feel compelled to do so- to get it from my brain onto paper before it disappears. I am constantly thinking about what I need to do next, & what needs to be prioritised.

I still have a partner & kids who want to see me sometimes. I need time to exercise regularly so I can stay somewhat sane.

In this process, I need help from people who know things that I don’t. People who have done it- some many times over. It’s thrust me into a world of amazing private practice owners & entrepreneurs - mainly women. They have so much knowledge. They could (& many have) write volumes of books about what they know in this area.

They are bold & brave & they never apologise for their opinion. They have a firm belief in themselves & if others don’t like it, they genuinely don’t care. Yet they care so deeply about helping people & are driven in their quest to provide the best services for people in need.

I admire them so much. And they also terrify me.

I wonder how on earth I could ever know as much as they do. I wonder how I could be so self assured in every aspect of my business.

I wonder if I am really cut out for this.

This has lead me to write down the words for how I was feeling… a very little fish in a very big pond.

Today I am a small fish in a pig pond

I made the leap recently

I chose to

In this new big pond are some really big fish

They’re kinda scary, but also amazing

I could have stayed in my little pond

It was safe & comfortable

I wonder at times if I’m too small for this big pond

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a big fish

But then I think…

What if I’m meant to be a REALLY big fish

And my little pond was keeping me small….

I wanted to share this because it’s real. And to show that even those of us who look like we’ve got it all figured out still have times of insecurity. I am frequently feeling stupid & small lately. It’s not that anyone is doing that to me- it’s all me.

I am frequently wondering if I can actually do this- like really achieve this big dream I’ve had for so long to have a big, successful private practice that helps thousands of people.

I guess time will tell.

But what I’ve committed to is asking for the help- & taking it. Even when I feel stupid.

Working really, ridiculously hard. Doing the things others are not willing to do to make it happen. Keeping my firm resolve to use my skills to help others. Backing myself & sounding confident, even if I am shaking inside.

Being BIG and BOLD and BRAVE

Maybe one day I’ll be that big fish in the big pond, helping out the little new fish who’s just jumped in:)


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